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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29339919">I'll Have What She's Having</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlocYrrehc/pseuds/AlocYrrehc'>AlocYrrehc</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Amortentia, Discord: Dumbledore's Armada, Dumbledore's Armada's Riddikulus Flash Comp, F/M, Her-moony, Inspired by When Harry Met Sally, Kitchen Almost Sex, Remus Lupin Tries to be Sexy, Some Sorta Alternate Universe where Fred's Still Alive and Tonks is Happy with Someone Not Remus, You have to admit hermoony is better than Remione</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 12:29:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,351</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29339919</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlocYrrehc/pseuds/AlocYrrehc</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Fred and George lose a bottle of their newest test product, “Faux-mortentia,” and Remus makes Hermione the perfect ham sandwich.<br/>In response to the prompt, "Amortentia that smells like a ham sandwich," for the Dumbledore's Armada Riddikulus Flash Fiction competetion.<br/>Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or When Harry Met Sally, whose infamous Katz Deli scene inspired this fic</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hermione Granger/Ham Sandwich, Hermione Granger/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>A Riddikulus Flash Competition</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I'll Have What She's Having</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">



        <li>In response to a prompt by
            Anonymous in the <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/collections/RiddikulusComp">RiddikulusComp</a>
          collection.
        </li>
    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p><strong>Prompt:</strong><br/>Amortentia That Smells like Ham Sandwiches (other scents are your choice) (thing)<br/>Thank you to my beta, charlipetidei, and to Cari &amp; Joe for the extra reads.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span>Remus was heading down the stairs of Grimmauld Place when Fred Weasley, who was barreling down the stairs three at a time, crashed bodily into him. Before Remus could open his mouth to protest, Fred disappeared into the kitchen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“GEORGE!” Fred bellowed. “It’s not here!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus crossed into the kitchen in time to hear the crack of Fred’s apparition. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Wonder what that was about?</span>
  </em>
  <span> he thought idly as he pulled open the door to the pantry. He stepped in, rummaging to find something worth eating, when a second crack, louder and much closer than before, startled him. He jumped back, his head colliding with the shelf behind him and he, along with the contents of the shelf, came crashing down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A moment later, Hermione’s voluminous curls appeared in the pantry, followed by the witch herself. She took one look at him on the floor, covered with flour, sugar, and half a dozen potions, their bottles in shards on the floor. “Oh, Remus! What on earth?” she asked, pulling his own kerchief from his pocket and handing it to him before a </span>
  <em>
    <span>chao reparo</span>
  </em>
  <span> sent the contents of the shelf back into place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wiping potions from his face, he accepted Hermione’s extended hand, but her laughter combined with his surprising bulk threw her off balance. The two collided, bodies pressed together, Hermione’s lips a heartbeat away from his. Holding her steady, Remus was certain she could hear his heart struggling to free itself from his chest. It had been so long since he’d had a witch in his arms, and at the moment, close enough to see each freckle on Hermione’s face, Remus was struck with an intense desire to kiss the woman in front of him. With great reluctance, Remus moved to release her, when, to his surprise, she brushed her lips against his.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her lips were gone, her tongue roving over her top lip as if savoring the taste of him, before his brain finished processing the moment. “What was that you spilled?” she wondered, licking her lips once more. “It’s savory, with just a hint of sweet…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shrugged. “I have no idea, honestly,” he said. “Hermione, I’m s-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you apologizing, Remus? We’re both adults here.” She kissed him again, not a faint brush this time, but firm and tasting vaguely of cinnamon candy, and her mouth was parting –</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Grrrgagggagrrrragh</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hermione stopped, mortified at the sound emanating from her stomach.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hungry?” Remus asked, the corners of his mouth turning up, lips finding hers again.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Grragggaaggehraggaggghragh</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They separated again, and Remus noticed the faintest blush creeping into Hermione’s cheeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I - I’m actually quite famished. I skipped breakfast.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Very well. Fancy a ham sandwich, then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hermione’s arms erupted into goosebumps. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Please</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus turned back to the pantry to gather ingredients and was surprised to see Hermione standing so close to him when he stepped back into the kitchen. Her eyes, normally full of light, looked wild, feral. “Are you ok, Hermione? You seem a little…” he trailed off, not entirely sure what might be wrong with her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine, Remus. I’m just </span>
  <em>
    <span>hungry</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unbidden, thoughts of devouring Hermione jumped to the front of his head. Physically shaking the thoughts away, he returned to the pantry. “Um, let me take care of that for you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Remus. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Please</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He cocked an eyebrow. “Are you sure you’re alright?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I </span>
  <em>
    <span>need you</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Remus.” For a moment she looked chagrined, that delightful blush creeping back  into her cheeks. Her voice returned to normal. “To make the sandwich, I mean.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Rrrright then.” He put a pan on the stove, threw a healthy dollop of butter in to melt, and set about to cut thick slices of bread when he felt Hermione’s presence behind him. He took a few deep breaths before he felt Hermione press herself against his back, her arms wrapped around him as she peered under his shoulder to watch the shimmering butter coat the pan.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could feel her breath as she purred, “That looks </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span> It occurred to Remus that he’d never felt so turned on while making a damn sandwich. He knew his prowess in the kitchen was unmatched, but even still, it generally took more than his impressive wand skills to elicit this kind of enthusiasm in a witch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Curious, Remus lifted the kerchief he’d use to wipe the potion from his face to his nose. He was hit with the overwhelming scent of butter, raspberries, and, most peculiar of all, fried ham, leaving him singularly focused on making Hermione the most breathtakingly perfect ham sandwich that would ever pass through her lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He swirled the bread in the pan to make sure the bottoms were good and drenched with butter before flipping them to fry. The cheese and tomatoes took only a few quick wand movements to slice and flip into the pan, and he turned to the ham, carving thick slabs to fry alongside the bread. Behind him, Hermione’s breathless sighs of appreciation were driving him to distraction.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Disentangling himself from her arms, Remus lifted her onto the counter, pulling her into a devastating kiss, losing himself in her embrace. He trailed blistering kisses down her neck, her hands curling into his hair, her legs locking around his hips, her head thrown back as she cried, “Remus! The sandwich!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Reluctantly freeing himself from her grasp, Remus turned his attention back to the pan, his agile fingers stacking bread, cheese, tomato, ham, raspberry jam (his secret ingredient in any ham sandwich) and a thick smear of mayonnaise together, presenting it to Hermione with a flourish, only to pull it tantalizingly out of reach. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Leaning close to her ear, he whispered, “Do you know why sandwiches always taste better in a restaurant?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No -” she strained against him, trying in vain to reach the plate held above her head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s the mayo. They make it fresh, drizzling the oil in until it reaches the perfect, creamy consistency, the  kind that soaks into each crevice, saturating every bite.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hermione actually growled at him. “Give it to me, Remus. I’m ready for it. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Now</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The witch’s eyes rolled back as she took in the sight before her: fried bread glistening with butter, the homemade mayonnaise mixing with thick raspberry jam and pooling on the plate. Hermione’s tongue wet her lips, lifting the sandwich to her mouth. As soon as her mouth closed around the sandwich, she let out a moan that sent a rush of blood directly to Remus’ groin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, gods, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Remus</span>
  </em>
  <span>!” she gasped between bites. “The ham is so… </span>
  <em>
    <span>ooooh</span>
  </em>
  <span>…” Remus had never been jealous of a ham sandwich until the moment he watched Hermione’s tongue swipe along its seam, licking the rich, viscous glaze that dripped down the bread and onto her fingers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And the bread…” she licked the buttery sheen from her lips, her body flushed as she moaned into the sandwich. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I kneaded it myself last night,” his voice gravely with desire.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Remus! And the tomah…” her breath caught, her head thrown back. “Tomaaaah…to! Oh! Oh, gods! Remus, what’s happening? I’m…” Her hands slammed onto the counter, the plate smashing to the floor below her as she was overcome and torn apart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hermione, are you ok? What just happened?” Remus asked, his head suddenly clear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not sure, but I need to lie down,” she murmured, sinking forward into his arms. It was then Remus noticed Fred and George standing near the pantry, a broken Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes bottle in George’s hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mate, did she by chance smell any of this?” George asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Actually, she ingested a few drops,” Remus shifted the soundly sleeping Hermione in his arms. “Why, what is it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Er,” Fred spoke up. “It’s called ‘Faux-mortentia.’ Just a bit of a gag, really, give it to your friends and they’ll fall intimately in love with an inanimate object for a few minutes. Guess we might have gone a bit strong on the horny goatweed this batch.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span> Fred looked from the shattered plate to the blissed out witch asleep in Remus’ arms. “But damn, Remus. I’ll have what she’s having, eh?”</span>
</p>
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